Allison Holker’s memoir, “This Far: My Story of Love, Loss, and Embracing the Light,” offers a poignant and intimate glimpse into her life with Stephen “tWitch” Boss, revealing the hidden struggles he faced leading up to his tragic death by suicide in December 2022. Holker candidly shares her journey of discovery after his passing, uncovering his private battles with past sexual abuse, a potential drug addiction, and the deep emotional turmoil he concealed beneath his vibrant public persona. Through her words, a portrait emerges of a man wrestling with internal demons, desperately trying to protect his family from the pain he carried within.
Holker’s narrative begins with the couple’s anniversary trip just days before tWitch’s death, a poignant memory tinged with the unsettling foreshadowing of his gift, a black Prada suit, a stark contrast to his usual presents. She recounts their final dance, their steps perfectly synchronized to Alicia Keys’ “December Back 2 June,” while acknowledging the emotional fluctuations that had become increasingly apparent in tWitch’s demeanor. The memoir then traces the arc of their relationship, from their initial meeting in 2006, through their burgeoning romance during “So You Think You Can Dance” in 2010, to the racism they encountered as an interracial couple. Holker emphasizes the joy and magic of their connection, highlighting the profound love they shared.
The book delves into the roots of tWitch’s emotional struggles, revealing the childhood trauma and abandonment issues stemming from a strained relationship with his biological father. Holker portrays tWitch as carrying the weight of his father’s perceived disinterest, internalizing it as a sign of his own unworthiness. She describes him as a “forlorn 7-year-old” trapped within an adult body, a poignant testament to the lasting impact of childhood wounds. The pressures of their growing social media fame during the pandemic are also explored, with Holker speculating that the need to project an image of a “perfect family” added another layer of stress to tWitch’s already burdened emotional state. She admits to their shared tendency toward “toxic positivity,” a coping mechanism that may have inadvertently masked the depth of his struggles.
The ending of “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” in 2022 marked a significant turning point, disrupting tWitch’s established routine and affording him more time to dwell on his inner turmoil. Holker acknowledges the subtle signs she now recognizes as indicative of his deteriorating mental state: irritability, insomnia, weight loss, disinterest in work and social activities, and a decline in personal hygiene. She describes his increasing anhedonia, the inability to experience pleasure, a classic symptom of depression. A pivotal event, an ayahuasca trip intended for healing, appears to have had the opposite effect, leaving tWitch seemingly changed and more vulnerable. Holker notes that the experience, coupled with his underlying mental health issues, may have exacerbated his struggles rather than providing the intended relief.
Holker recounts the disturbing shift in tWitch’s artistic choices in his final months, his collection of artwork featuring unsettling imagery of eyeless figures and melting faces, a stark reflection of his inner turmoil. She details the night before his death, marked by his unusual paranoia after visiting a marijuana dispensary and his repeated, cryptic utterance, “I lied.” The morning of his death began with a semblance of normalcy, with tWitch apologizing for his behavior and the couple exchanging their usual “love you” before he left to take Weslie to school. The hours that followed were filled with growing unease as tWitch failed to return home, culminating in the devastating news delivered by police officers at her doorstep.
In the aftermath of his death, Holker shares her experiences of connecting with tWitch in her dreams, receiving messages of love and apology. She describes finding feathers around the house, interpreting them as signs of his presence watching over them, a comfort that eventually became overwhelming, prompting her to ask him to ease his vigilance. Through her raw and honest account, Holker sheds light on the complexities of mental health struggles, offering a poignant testament to the enduring power of love and the importance of seeking help for those battling inner demons. Her memoir serves as a reminder that even behind the brightest smiles, hidden battles can rage, and that open communication and access to mental health resources are crucial in supporting those who are suffering.
